One Last Thought

Sometimes the words you wish to use to express yourself just escape your mind, or somehow those words don't seem appropriate to adequately convey the emotions you want to explain.  This is one reason why I have found it difficult to post an update on our family, our adoption story and the challenge to make the two become one. I'm not usually accused of having a lack of words, but in this instance, I'm guilty.

The purpose of this post is not to illicit sympathy or incite anger, but rather to tell the truth. My prayer is that in the truth you and I might find freedom.

Not every adoption has a storybook ending. Our is one of those unfortunate ones, or so it seems.

Have you ever loved something or someone that didn't reciprocate that love, that wasn't capable of accepting the love you offered?  That scenario is almost unfathomable. Who doesn't want to be loved? That is exactly where we found ourselves though.  Over two years of counseling, therapy, special schools, in home-resources and hospitalizations and still, the very idea of love was rejected. Not just rejected, but terrifying to even consider.

We could co-exist as her caretakers, the adults who fed, bathed, bought clothes and toys and provided a warm place to live for short periods of time. Once that situation started to feel comfortable, the cycle of chaos would spiral out of control, beginning with behavioral issues and escalating to violence and self harm resulting in another hospitalization. After the insurance company deemed her to have received a sufficient amount of rehabilitation time, she would be discharged back home for the cycle to begin again.  This pattern continued for more than a year, each time worse than the one prior. The violence would escalate, the self harm was more intense and the threats of harm more specific and intentional.

Countless hours were spent this summer researching, interviewing, making phone calls and sending emails to every agency and resource offered for children with severe attachment disorders. At each request for help, we found a closed door. Closed due to her age, her insurance company's willingness to pay, self pay affordability, location, IQ or just the inability to meet her needs.

We sought wise Biblical counsel, professional counsel and personal counsel...each reaching the same conclusion. Our home was not a safe place for her or for the rest of the family. The repeated cycle of chaos was escalating rapidly and fear of eminent danger was a very real concern.

When we began this process more than four years ago, I never could've imagined where we would stand today. Broken, deeply hurting and questioning why God brought her into our family only to have to say goodbye.   I cannot and will not pretend to understand God's plan for her or for us. I do not understand. However, I do know with all certainty that God is good, His plans are perfect and He is trustworthy.

I know that God is not finished with her story or mine.  In my heart we will always be a family of five, even if we no longer live under the same roof.  I will always be her mom and she will always be my daughter. More importantly, she will ALWAYS be HIS daughter.

While we may not have a storybook ending today, my prayer will continue to be for God to redeem her story, heal her wounds and for her story to bring Him glory.  As well as for the truth to bring about freedom in our lives...freedom from guilt, shame, anger and hurt.

"I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done"

Read more: Hillary Scott - Thy Will Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

THREE HUNDRED and SIXTY-FIVE DAYS

Today marks the one-year anniversary of our  Forever Family - Gotcha Day or Family Day as so many people in the adoption community have dubbed it.

So I began thinking of the all the things we've been through and seen in the last year.

365

• the number of days we've been the #peterspartyoffive
• the number of nights we've tucked a blonde-hair, blue-eyed girl in bed and listened to her pray for "no bad dreams"
• the number of days I've had a daughter and been able to brush her hair and attempt hair bows, pony-tails and braids.
• the number of times we have failed at parenting a traumatized child
• the number of times of God has reminded us that "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9
• the number of times we've heard "This is not my real family."
• the number of times God has reminded us that LOVE makes a family, not flesh and bone
• the number of times we've heard "I hate you." or "I don't like you, not even one little bit."
• the number of times God has whispered "I have loved you with an everlasting love." Jeremiah 31:3
• the number of mornings we have had to put our "YES" back on the table
• the number of times God has shown us "His mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning." Lamentations 3:22-23
• the number of emergency calls and texts I've made when we've been in the midst of an out-of-control fit of rage, asking faithful friends to pray for us to make it through
• the number of times God has been faithful to his promise of "Call to me and I will answer you...." Jeremiah 33:3
• the number of days we've prayed for God to heal the broken heart of a nine year old girl.
• the number of times that God has reminded us that "I know the plans I have for KB, plans to prosper her, not to harm her, to give her a hope and a future."           Jeremiah 29:11

Adoption is hard.
It's hard on the child, who had to lose so much, in order to gain a new family.
It's hard on the ones who desperately try to love a child, who is terrified of letting someone into their lives again, for fear of experiencing more rejection or abandonment.
It's hard on the friends and family members, who want to be able to "fix it" but cannot.

While the past 365 days for us can be summarized by that one word, HARD. We know that God remains faithful to his promises, like Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you."

As we look toward tomorrow, day 366, and beyond. We cling to the hope in God's word that Steven Curtis Chapman sings of in his song, Glorious Unfolding.

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out
Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart
‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
We’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

We were made to run through fields of forever
Singing songs to our Savior and King
So let us remember this life we’re living
Is just the beginning of the beginning

Of this glorious unfolding
We will watch and see and we will be amazed
If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over
And hold on to every promise God has made to us
We’ll see the glorious unfolding

Just watch and see (unfolding)
This is just the beginning of the beginning (unfolding)

Praying for the day we see the Glorious Unfolding of God's story in her life!

God always writes the BEST stories, and her's is not over yet. 

Made to THRIVE

As I reflect upon the past year, I cannot help but have mixed emotions. 

The year started with our hearts being full of concern for our oldest son, whose arm had been numb for several months without a clear explanation as to why.  We were certain it had to do with football, an injury or accident during practice, perhaps.  We only knew that after many doctors and tests and a trip to Mayo Clinic, he still didn't have feeling below the elbow and no one could tell him (or us), when or if it would return.  Praise God that just as physical therapy was ending, the feeling slowly began to return and within a few weeks, he had full feeling once again.  When it was time for Spring practices, he was ready to return to the field. 

We should have know then that God was going to be doing BIG things in our lives.

The year quickly unfolded into the most overwhelming, uncertain and rewarding year we have seen. 
 
It's been difficult.

It's been exhausting.

It's been draining.

It's been full of worry and doubt.

It's been heart wrenching.

It's been trying.

It's been HARD. 

And it's been worth it all.  Not because we are super heroes or saints, but because God has done amazing things in our hearts, our home, our family.

As we head into a new year, we know with certainty that those difficult, exhausting, draining, heart wrenching, trying and really hard times are not over.  Our desire is not to see them vanish, but to see God in them, to reflect Him and allow His light to shine through us. 

So, here it is, our song for 2015.  The lyrics have been playing over in my mind for several weeks now and I believe that God is trying to sow a fresh perspective in how I look at the challenges that lie ahead. 

Here in this worn and weary land
Where many a dream has died

Like a tree planted by the water
We never will run dry

So living water flowing through
God we thirst for more of You
Fill our hearts and flood our souls
With one desire

Just to know You and
To make You known
We lift Your name on High
Shine like the sun make darkness run and hide
We know we were made for so much more
Than ordinary lives
It's time for us to more than just survive
We were made to thrive
Into Your word we're digging deep
To know our Father's heart

Into the world we're reaching out
To show them who You are

So living water flowing through
God we thirst for more of You
Fill our hearts and flood our souls
With one desire

Just to know You and
To make You known
We lift Your name on High
Shine like the sun make darkness run and hide
We know we were made for so much more
Than ordinary lives
It's time for us to more than just survive
We were made to thrive
Joy Unspeakable, Faith Unsinkable, Love Unstoppable, Anything is possible
Joy Unspeakable, Faith Unsinkable, Love Unstoppable, Anything is possible
Joy Unspeakable, Faith Unsinkable, Love Unstoppable, Anything is possible
Joy Unspeakable, Faith Unsinkable, Love Unstoppable, Anything is possible

Just to know You and
To make You known
We lift Your name on High
Shine like the sun make darkness run and hide
We know we were made for so much more
Than ordinary lives
It's time for us to more than just survive
We were made to thrive

  We were made to Thrive

--Casting Crowns "Thrive"

A Birthday Wish

The month of December is a busy month for everyone with Christmas parties, shopping and family gatherings, cards to address and cookies to bake.  In our family,  it's compounded with birthdays, three of them to be exact.  Since the birthdays belong to the adults, we usually just let them roll past without too much hoopla. 

I haven't reached the age yet where I want people to forget my birthday.  Maybe I should, but part of me is still the giggly little girl who enjoys the anticipation of the BIG day. 

This year, I have a birthday wish! 

The last year has been rough in so many ways.  Time seems to slip away quickly and I find myself spending too much time worrying over things that I cannot control or doubting God's ultimate plan for my family. 

I want the next year to be different.  I want to focus my attention on the attributes of God and His promises to me.

How can you help?

I'm glad you asked! 

If you have a favorite verse of scripture, a promise from God or name of God that means something particularly special to you, will you write it out and send it me in the snail mail.   I want to cover our house in these daily reminders of how God is alive and working in the lives of His children.   If you want to include a story of how/why this is important to you, I'd love to hear those! 

When it's time to celebrate again next year, I want to be able to look back and see how much God has grown and changed me through your encouragement in His word. 

A Thankful Heart

To say that much has changed in our home since my last post would be a gross understatement.  The lives of everyone in our home, as well as many of those close to us, have been uprooted, tossed about and replanted in an often painful and unpleasant way.  Yet, here we are, weary from the journey, but changed in ways we didn't know were necessary or possible.

We won't dwell on the details or the unpleasantness of the refining fires we have been tested by over the last several months.  Instead, today, we choose to be thankful. Thankful for the good, the bad and the ugly. (cue the old western music)

We have known for weeks that the current academic situation we were experiencing was not ideal, but our options were limited by money and miles.  Something that God has been showing me over the past several week is that He indeed hears the cry of our hearts.  Today, He once again, proved himself faithful to his promises.  

A month ago, we had K tested for learning difficulties and we were overwhelmed by the findings.  Our daughter was struggling much more than we realized and we were not equipped to help her on our own.  A costly alternative was presented to us, and our hearts knew this was exactly what she needed, but our budget could not handle the cost that was necessary.   After prayer and consulting with the wise counsel that God has placed in our lives, we had to take another leap of faith and begin the process of transferring her into a new school.  A meeting date was set for today, and although we weren't certain how the details would play out, we moved forward. 

That's when God showed up.  Details I hadn't even considered yet, He already orchestrated.  Not only has the financial burden, we once thought to be impossible, been lessened, but the timeframe of enrolling her is much sooner as well, as in NEXT WEEK!  Where we see the big picture, God sees the details.  In her new academic environment K will be in a 1:4 ratio with a teacher who is trained to handle and address her specific delays.  She will be exposed to curriculum designed to teach to her learning style, at her pace.  She will be encouraged to flourish in her areas of strength, instead of focusing on her weaknesses.  Since this tailored environment is not regulated by the state, her school days will be shorter and less stressful.  With that change in scheduling, we were left in need of care for her until our work schedules allowed us to pick her up.  God showed up again.  After reaching out to a friend for a recommendation on reliable and loving care, I was introduced to a true answer to prayer.  While I was explaining K's situation and our needs, I was made aware that this very person, the one God ordained to be in our path, is not just familiar with, but certified to teach the very curriculum K will be using in her new school.  She is more than just a capable care taker, she is an invaluable resource.  Not only that, but her own daughter, now a teenager, once dealt with the exact same delays that K struggles through now.  She has seen first hand how those struggles can be overcome through patience and prayer and encouraged me to not give up.

In any transition into something new, K gets very nervous and her anxiety levels increase, leading to behavioral problems. However, after an introductory tour of her new school today and a chance to meet and interact with her caretaker, her response to me was, "Mom, I'm not nervous at all and it feels good not to be nervous." 

God is good, all the time!

Jeremiah 33:3

 

Call on me and I will answer you and show you GREAT AND MIGHTY things!

 



Why Mother's Day Isn't Always "Happy"

The annual day of celebrating Mothers has always been an occasion for happiness in our home. Growing up, my dad would encourage us to show off our artistic ability with homemade cards and breakfast in bed.  We enjoyed lavishing our love on her on that special day. 


Since becoming a mother myself, I have enjoyed the days of handwritten cards, hugs, smiles and the occasional spa day that were bestowed upon me.  


I knew that today would not be the typical Mother's Day.  I knew that the affection my boys feel for me are not the same as those of "K".  I knew that today her heart would be divided by the longing she has for what used to be and the struggle to accept what she has now. 


Watching the inner struggle of a broken hearted nine year old today made me realize that Mother's Day, isn't always "Happy" for every woman and child.  Forgive me for just noticing this fact, but I've lived in a sheltered world most of life.  Today, I began to think of the other boys and girls who are longing for what they no longer have or for what they never knew.  I began to realize that there are mommas our there whose hearts are breaking today for what they have lost or willingly given up, no matter what the reason for their choice.  I realized that there are many women who would give anything to know what it is like to be a momma, through childbirth or adoption. Many are grieving the mommas who have already passed.  Their pain is real and the heartache is something that can only be healed by the love of Jesus. 

While today has been a day of more tears than smiles, more heartache than happiness, I am thankful that God choose me to be the Momma to three amazing kiddos.  My prayer is that someday they will look  past my faults and failures and see the heart of mother who loves them unconditionally.


As you celebrate your own mothers today, take a moment and say a prayer for those whose mother day is less than Happy. 

Adoption is NO JOKE

It's only been one week and yet in some ways it already feels like a lifetime.  Some parts of me feel like "K" has always been with us and yet a part of me keeps looking at this little girl and wondering how she got here and why. 

Adoption is tough.  Adoption is hard work.  Adoption is uncomfortable. Adoption is NO JOKE!


We knew that things were going to change, for all of us.  We knew that it would take time to adjust to a new normal.  We knew a lot of things.  What we didn't understand was just how much this would require of us, physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually.   


What we also didn't understand was even through the extreme exhaustion and frustration God would be drawing our hearts to love a little girl, who for the first time in eight years may be able to see true love, God's love!


I won't dwell on the difficult details of this past week, but I will tell you the amazing things I have seen happen in me and my family so far.  Our boys, who normally pick at and irritate each other for no good reason, have bonded together (partly out of survival instinct) and become true friends this week.  They laugh and spend time together.  Our oldest son even cleaned his entire bedroom this week, WITHOUT being asked, laundry and all.  I have seen them become more servant hearted and helpful.  They offered to make lunch today for the "girls" and even made it a picnic on the back patio because they knew their sister would enjoy that.  They desire to see her happy and adjusted to our new family.  Although the rough moments have been REALLY rough this week, "K" has been able to settle down and accept the changes that are way beyond her control.  God has opened my eyes to show me just how weak and insignificant I am in the bigger picture.  I have become more dependent upon Him for grace and strength in each moment.   Daddy is the backbone of this operation.  Working all day and taking over for a tired Momma as he walks in the door.  He has been amazing and not once has he lost his patience with any of us, even when I forgot to buy him the only thing he asked for at the grocery store! 


While we are far from close to this adjustment being easier or normal, we are pausing to praise our amazing God for just how much He has shown himself to us already.  We are growing in hard ways, but with beautiful results. 


"...and I am sure of this, the He who began a good work in you, will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."  Philippians 1:6


If you are inclined to pray for us, here are some specific ways:


Wednesday, April 2 - We go to court to sign our guardianship papers for legal custody.  This means that her former family will also be signing their surrender paperwork.  Please pray for them. While I do not understand their decision, I know that this cannot be easy for them either. 


 -- Continue to pray for "K" while she transitions to our family.  She is sweet and loving and wants to please, but so very confused on what true love is and what it means.  She asks hard questions that are beyond her ability to understand, but she needs answers. 


-- Continue to pray for our boys as they adjust to their lives and routines being affected by a new addition.  Pray for patience to deal with a sister and her imaginary world of amazement.  Pray for them as they are being molded into servants and leaders.  Pray that the bond they are forming as brothers will be everlasting.


-- Continue to pray for us as parents to all three of our children.  While "fairness" is not a true concept because they come from different places, we want to love them equally.  Pray for strength on the hard days and rest when things aren't so difficult.  Pray for strength in our marriage as our days our long and our time together is lessened right now. 


--Most of all, pray that God would be glorified in the story He is writing in our family --