One Last Thought

Sometimes the words you wish to use to express yourself just escape your mind, or somehow those words don't seem appropriate to adequately convey the emotions you want to explain.  This is one reason why I have found it difficult to post an update on our family, our adoption story and the challenge to make the two become one. I'm not usually accused of having a lack of words, but in this instance, I'm guilty.

The purpose of this post is not to illicit sympathy or incite anger, but rather to tell the truth. My prayer is that in the truth you and I might find freedom.

Not every adoption has a storybook ending. Our is one of those unfortunate ones, or so it seems.

Have you ever loved something or someone that didn't reciprocate that love, that wasn't capable of accepting the love you offered?  That scenario is almost unfathomable. Who doesn't want to be loved? That is exactly where we found ourselves though.  Over two years of counseling, therapy, special schools, in home-resources and hospitalizations and still, the very idea of love was rejected. Not just rejected, but terrifying to even consider.

We could co-exist as her caretakers, the adults who fed, bathed, bought clothes and toys and provided a warm place to live for short periods of time. Once that situation started to feel comfortable, the cycle of chaos would spiral out of control, beginning with behavioral issues and escalating to violence and self harm resulting in another hospitalization. After the insurance company deemed her to have received a sufficient amount of rehabilitation time, she would be discharged back home for the cycle to begin again.  This pattern continued for more than a year, each time worse than the one prior. The violence would escalate, the self harm was more intense and the threats of harm more specific and intentional.

Countless hours were spent this summer researching, interviewing, making phone calls and sending emails to every agency and resource offered for children with severe attachment disorders. At each request for help, we found a closed door. Closed due to her age, her insurance company's willingness to pay, self pay affordability, location, IQ or just the inability to meet her needs.

We sought wise Biblical counsel, professional counsel and personal counsel...each reaching the same conclusion. Our home was not a safe place for her or for the rest of the family. The repeated cycle of chaos was escalating rapidly and fear of eminent danger was a very real concern.

When we began this process more than four years ago, I never could've imagined where we would stand today. Broken, deeply hurting and questioning why God brought her into our family only to have to say goodbye.   I cannot and will not pretend to understand God's plan for her or for us. I do not understand. However, I do know with all certainty that God is good, His plans are perfect and He is trustworthy.

I know that God is not finished with her story or mine.  In my heart we will always be a family of five, even if we no longer live under the same roof.  I will always be her mom and she will always be my daughter. More importantly, she will ALWAYS be HIS daughter.

While we may not have a storybook ending today, my prayer will continue to be for God to redeem her story, heal her wounds and for her story to bring Him glory.  As well as for the truth to bring about freedom in our lives...freedom from guilt, shame, anger and hurt.

"I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done"

Read more: Hillary Scott - Thy Will Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

THREE HUNDRED and SIXTY-FIVE DAYS

Today marks the one-year anniversary of our  Forever Family - Gotcha Day or Family Day as so many people in the adoption community have dubbed it.

So I began thinking of the all the things we've been through and seen in the last year.

365

• the number of days we've been the #peterspartyoffive
• the number of nights we've tucked a blonde-hair, blue-eyed girl in bed and listened to her pray for "no bad dreams"
• the number of days I've had a daughter and been able to brush her hair and attempt hair bows, pony-tails and braids.
• the number of times we have failed at parenting a traumatized child
• the number of times of God has reminded us that "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9
• the number of times we've heard "This is not my real family."
• the number of times God has reminded us that LOVE makes a family, not flesh and bone
• the number of times we've heard "I hate you." or "I don't like you, not even one little bit."
• the number of times God has whispered "I have loved you with an everlasting love." Jeremiah 31:3
• the number of mornings we have had to put our "YES" back on the table
• the number of times God has shown us "His mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning." Lamentations 3:22-23
• the number of emergency calls and texts I've made when we've been in the midst of an out-of-control fit of rage, asking faithful friends to pray for us to make it through
• the number of times God has been faithful to his promise of "Call to me and I will answer you...." Jeremiah 33:3
• the number of days we've prayed for God to heal the broken heart of a nine year old girl.
• the number of times that God has reminded us that "I know the plans I have for KB, plans to prosper her, not to harm her, to give her a hope and a future."           Jeremiah 29:11

Adoption is hard.
It's hard on the child, who had to lose so much, in order to gain a new family.
It's hard on the ones who desperately try to love a child, who is terrified of letting someone into their lives again, for fear of experiencing more rejection or abandonment.
It's hard on the friends and family members, who want to be able to "fix it" but cannot.

While the past 365 days for us can be summarized by that one word, HARD. We know that God remains faithful to his promises, like Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you."

As we look toward tomorrow, day 366, and beyond. We cling to the hope in God's word that Steven Curtis Chapman sings of in his song, Glorious Unfolding.

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out
Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart
‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
We’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

We were made to run through fields of forever
Singing songs to our Savior and King
So let us remember this life we’re living
Is just the beginning of the beginning

Of this glorious unfolding
We will watch and see and we will be amazed
If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over
And hold on to every promise God has made to us
We’ll see the glorious unfolding

Just watch and see (unfolding)
This is just the beginning of the beginning (unfolding)

Praying for the day we see the Glorious Unfolding of God's story in her life!

God always writes the BEST stories, and her's is not over yet. 

Made to THRIVE

As I reflect upon the past year, I cannot help but have mixed emotions. 

The year started with our hearts being full of concern for our oldest son, whose arm had been numb for several months without a clear explanation as to why.  We were certain it had to do with football, an injury or accident during practice, perhaps.  We only knew that after many doctors and tests and a trip to Mayo Clinic, he still didn't have feeling below the elbow and no one could tell him (or us), when or if it would return.  Praise God that just as physical therapy was ending, the feeling slowly began to return and within a few weeks, he had full feeling once again.  When it was time for Spring practices, he was ready to return to the field. 

We should have know then that God was going to be doing BIG things in our lives.

The year quickly unfolded into the most overwhelming, uncertain and rewarding year we have seen. 
 
It's been difficult.

It's been exhausting.

It's been draining.

It's been full of worry and doubt.

It's been heart wrenching.

It's been trying.

It's been HARD. 

And it's been worth it all.  Not because we are super heroes or saints, but because God has done amazing things in our hearts, our home, our family.

As we head into a new year, we know with certainty that those difficult, exhausting, draining, heart wrenching, trying and really hard times are not over.  Our desire is not to see them vanish, but to see God in them, to reflect Him and allow His light to shine through us. 

So, here it is, our song for 2015.  The lyrics have been playing over in my mind for several weeks now and I believe that God is trying to sow a fresh perspective in how I look at the challenges that lie ahead. 

Here in this worn and weary land
Where many a dream has died

Like a tree planted by the water
We never will run dry

So living water flowing through
God we thirst for more of You
Fill our hearts and flood our souls
With one desire

Just to know You and
To make You known
We lift Your name on High
Shine like the sun make darkness run and hide
We know we were made for so much more
Than ordinary lives
It's time for us to more than just survive
We were made to thrive
Into Your word we're digging deep
To know our Father's heart

Into the world we're reaching out
To show them who You are

So living water flowing through
God we thirst for more of You
Fill our hearts and flood our souls
With one desire

Just to know You and
To make You known
We lift Your name on High
Shine like the sun make darkness run and hide
We know we were made for so much more
Than ordinary lives
It's time for us to more than just survive
We were made to thrive
Joy Unspeakable, Faith Unsinkable, Love Unstoppable, Anything is possible
Joy Unspeakable, Faith Unsinkable, Love Unstoppable, Anything is possible
Joy Unspeakable, Faith Unsinkable, Love Unstoppable, Anything is possible
Joy Unspeakable, Faith Unsinkable, Love Unstoppable, Anything is possible

Just to know You and
To make You known
We lift Your name on High
Shine like the sun make darkness run and hide
We know we were made for so much more
Than ordinary lives
It's time for us to more than just survive
We were made to thrive

  We were made to Thrive

--Casting Crowns "Thrive"

A Birthday Wish

The month of December is a busy month for everyone with Christmas parties, shopping and family gatherings, cards to address and cookies to bake.  In our family,  it's compounded with birthdays, three of them to be exact.  Since the birthdays belong to the adults, we usually just let them roll past without too much hoopla. 

I haven't reached the age yet where I want people to forget my birthday.  Maybe I should, but part of me is still the giggly little girl who enjoys the anticipation of the BIG day. 

This year, I have a birthday wish! 

The last year has been rough in so many ways.  Time seems to slip away quickly and I find myself spending too much time worrying over things that I cannot control or doubting God's ultimate plan for my family. 

I want the next year to be different.  I want to focus my attention on the attributes of God and His promises to me.

How can you help?

I'm glad you asked! 

If you have a favorite verse of scripture, a promise from God or name of God that means something particularly special to you, will you write it out and send it me in the snail mail.   I want to cover our house in these daily reminders of how God is alive and working in the lives of His children.   If you want to include a story of how/why this is important to you, I'd love to hear those! 

When it's time to celebrate again next year, I want to be able to look back and see how much God has grown and changed me through your encouragement in His word. 

A Thankful Heart

To say that much has changed in our home since my last post would be a gross understatement.  The lives of everyone in our home, as well as many of those close to us, have been uprooted, tossed about and replanted in an often painful and unpleasant way.  Yet, here we are, weary from the journey, but changed in ways we didn't know were necessary or possible.

We won't dwell on the details or the unpleasantness of the refining fires we have been tested by over the last several months.  Instead, today, we choose to be thankful. Thankful for the good, the bad and the ugly. (cue the old western music)

We have known for weeks that the current academic situation we were experiencing was not ideal, but our options were limited by money and miles.  Something that God has been showing me over the past several week is that He indeed hears the cry of our hearts.  Today, He once again, proved himself faithful to his promises.  

A month ago, we had K tested for learning difficulties and we were overwhelmed by the findings.  Our daughter was struggling much more than we realized and we were not equipped to help her on our own.  A costly alternative was presented to us, and our hearts knew this was exactly what she needed, but our budget could not handle the cost that was necessary.   After prayer and consulting with the wise counsel that God has placed in our lives, we had to take another leap of faith and begin the process of transferring her into a new school.  A meeting date was set for today, and although we weren't certain how the details would play out, we moved forward. 

That's when God showed up.  Details I hadn't even considered yet, He already orchestrated.  Not only has the financial burden, we once thought to be impossible, been lessened, but the timeframe of enrolling her is much sooner as well, as in NEXT WEEK!  Where we see the big picture, God sees the details.  In her new academic environment K will be in a 1:4 ratio with a teacher who is trained to handle and address her specific delays.  She will be exposed to curriculum designed to teach to her learning style, at her pace.  She will be encouraged to flourish in her areas of strength, instead of focusing on her weaknesses.  Since this tailored environment is not regulated by the state, her school days will be shorter and less stressful.  With that change in scheduling, we were left in need of care for her until our work schedules allowed us to pick her up.  God showed up again.  After reaching out to a friend for a recommendation on reliable and loving care, I was introduced to a true answer to prayer.  While I was explaining K's situation and our needs, I was made aware that this very person, the one God ordained to be in our path, is not just familiar with, but certified to teach the very curriculum K will be using in her new school.  She is more than just a capable care taker, she is an invaluable resource.  Not only that, but her own daughter, now a teenager, once dealt with the exact same delays that K struggles through now.  She has seen first hand how those struggles can be overcome through patience and prayer and encouraged me to not give up.

In any transition into something new, K gets very nervous and her anxiety levels increase, leading to behavioral problems. However, after an introductory tour of her new school today and a chance to meet and interact with her caretaker, her response to me was, "Mom, I'm not nervous at all and it feels good not to be nervous." 

God is good, all the time!

Jeremiah 33:3

 

Call on me and I will answer you and show you GREAT AND MIGHTY things!

 



Why Mother's Day Isn't Always "Happy"

The annual day of celebrating Mothers has always been an occasion for happiness in our home. Growing up, my dad would encourage us to show off our artistic ability with homemade cards and breakfast in bed.  We enjoyed lavishing our love on her on that special day. 


Since becoming a mother myself, I have enjoyed the days of handwritten cards, hugs, smiles and the occasional spa day that were bestowed upon me.  


I knew that today would not be the typical Mother's Day.  I knew that the affection my boys feel for me are not the same as those of "K".  I knew that today her heart would be divided by the longing she has for what used to be and the struggle to accept what she has now. 


Watching the inner struggle of a broken hearted nine year old today made me realize that Mother's Day, isn't always "Happy" for every woman and child.  Forgive me for just noticing this fact, but I've lived in a sheltered world most of life.  Today, I began to think of the other boys and girls who are longing for what they no longer have or for what they never knew.  I began to realize that there are mommas our there whose hearts are breaking today for what they have lost or willingly given up, no matter what the reason for their choice.  I realized that there are many women who would give anything to know what it is like to be a momma, through childbirth or adoption. Many are grieving the mommas who have already passed.  Their pain is real and the heartache is something that can only be healed by the love of Jesus. 

While today has been a day of more tears than smiles, more heartache than happiness, I am thankful that God choose me to be the Momma to three amazing kiddos.  My prayer is that someday they will look  past my faults and failures and see the heart of mother who loves them unconditionally.


As you celebrate your own mothers today, take a moment and say a prayer for those whose mother day is less than Happy. 

Adoption is NO JOKE

It's only been one week and yet in some ways it already feels like a lifetime.  Some parts of me feel like "K" has always been with us and yet a part of me keeps looking at this little girl and wondering how she got here and why. 

Adoption is tough.  Adoption is hard work.  Adoption is uncomfortable. Adoption is NO JOKE!


We knew that things were going to change, for all of us.  We knew that it would take time to adjust to a new normal.  We knew a lot of things.  What we didn't understand was just how much this would require of us, physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually.   


What we also didn't understand was even through the extreme exhaustion and frustration God would be drawing our hearts to love a little girl, who for the first time in eight years may be able to see true love, God's love!


I won't dwell on the difficult details of this past week, but I will tell you the amazing things I have seen happen in me and my family so far.  Our boys, who normally pick at and irritate each other for no good reason, have bonded together (partly out of survival instinct) and become true friends this week.  They laugh and spend time together.  Our oldest son even cleaned his entire bedroom this week, WITHOUT being asked, laundry and all.  I have seen them become more servant hearted and helpful.  They offered to make lunch today for the "girls" and even made it a picnic on the back patio because they knew their sister would enjoy that.  They desire to see her happy and adjusted to our new family.  Although the rough moments have been REALLY rough this week, "K" has been able to settle down and accept the changes that are way beyond her control.  God has opened my eyes to show me just how weak and insignificant I am in the bigger picture.  I have become more dependent upon Him for grace and strength in each moment.   Daddy is the backbone of this operation.  Working all day and taking over for a tired Momma as he walks in the door.  He has been amazing and not once has he lost his patience with any of us, even when I forgot to buy him the only thing he asked for at the grocery store! 


While we are far from close to this adjustment being easier or normal, we are pausing to praise our amazing God for just how much He has shown himself to us already.  We are growing in hard ways, but with beautiful results. 


"...and I am sure of this, the He who began a good work in you, will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."  Philippians 1:6


If you are inclined to pray for us, here are some specific ways:


Wednesday, April 2 - We go to court to sign our guardianship papers for legal custody.  This means that her former family will also be signing their surrender paperwork.  Please pray for them. While I do not understand their decision, I know that this cannot be easy for them either. 


 -- Continue to pray for "K" while she transitions to our family.  She is sweet and loving and wants to please, but so very confused on what true love is and what it means.  She asks hard questions that are beyond her ability to understand, but she needs answers. 


-- Continue to pray for our boys as they adjust to their lives and routines being affected by a new addition.  Pray for patience to deal with a sister and her imaginary world of amazement.  Pray for them as they are being molded into servants and leaders.  Pray that the bond they are forming as brothers will be everlasting.


-- Continue to pray for us as parents to all three of our children.  While "fairness" is not a true concept because they come from different places, we want to love them equally.  Pray for strength on the hard days and rest when things aren't so difficult.  Pray for strength in our marriage as our days our long and our time together is lessened right now. 


--Most of all, pray that God would be glorified in the story He is writing in our family -- 

"YES"

Our family began an adoption journey nearly 2 years ago.


When we answered the call to adopt, we said "yes", but definitely set our own guidelines for the process. WE chose to adopt a girl. WE chose Bulgaria. WE chose the age range. WE chose the agency. For all this time we have been waiting - not always patiently for God to fit into our what WE chose.



Last month, I had the opportunity to attend my second Created For Care conference in Atlanta. It is a weekend long getaway for adoptive moms. While I was there God definitely worked on my heart to show me that my "yes" wasn't really a yes. I wanted to be obedient, but on my terms. Over and over, the words from Hillsong's 'Oceans' played through my mind. ---Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger--- If was going to sing those words, I needed to be willing to live them out too.



Kirk and I talked and prayed about our situation and decided we needed to be open to whatever God has for us, broaden our guidelines and see what happened. We contacted our social worker and began the process of changing our paperwork, which was due for an update. Kirk mailed the new home study on March 4th out on March 6th we got a phone call that will change our lives forever. 

We had been planning all this time for an international adoption, but God had been planning something different. You see, there is a 8 year old girl in Memphis, who desperately needs a loving home - NOW. After countless emails and phone calls and counseling and obviously LOTS of prayers, we agreed to pursue her adoption.


Our family made a trip to Memphis last weekend to spend some time with "K" and get to know her.  We were instantly captivated by her smile and laughter.  She lights up a room!  She drew immediately to our boys and began to throw a ball and play "Monkey in the middle" with us all.  We spent time at the park and Chuck E Cheese before she had to return.  On Saturday, we spent most of the day with her and again, we were amazed by her. 


The next few days will be filled with many emotions for her as well as our family.  We cannot wait for Saturday, our "Gotcha Day"!  She will be FOREVER a part of our family. 


There is still so much to pray over so I am asking you to please lift up our family over the next few days in these specific ways:
Please pray for "K's" heart to be open to the changes she is about to experience. Pray for God to surround her and protect her heart while her life is turned on end. Pray for peace for her little heart as she is handed over to a family she barely knows.
Pray for Kirk and I as we make radical plans for me to take an extended leave from work to be able to be home with her, homeschool her, LOVE HER BIG. Pray for wisdom to understand when she cries out in anger that she is crying out for LOVE.
Pray for our boys, while they are excited, there is still an apprehension to the unknown. Pray that their hearts are softened to understand her pain and that they will be able to love her in amazing ways too.
Pray for the funds we still need to secure in a very short amount of time. We know that God will provide for our every need, down to the penny.
We are praising God for this amazing blessing and opportunity to pour His love into a life that is broken and hopeless. We are humbled.

Oceans

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown, where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep, my faith will stand

 And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine

 Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed, and You won't start now

 So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine

 Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

 I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours, and You are mine
I am Yours, and You are mine
I am Yours, and You are mine
I am Yours, and You are mine

Read more: Hillsong United - Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) Lyrics | MetroLyrics

A New Year, a New Outlook

         

If you know you me at all, you know I LOVE music.  

 

I believe this can attributed to my dad.  He also loved music.  As young kids he tortured  introduced us to many different genres of music.  Family vacations would include long hours in the family station wagon listening to artist like Marty Robbins, Kenny Rogers, The Statler Bros,  The Platters, John Denver, Bill Monroe, Crystal Gayle,  The Baldknobbers, Fats Waller....and of course, at least once we were treated to "their song", Waltz Across Texas by Ernest Tubb.

 

While those artists may not be my favorites today, the love of music dad developed in me still remains.   Thankfully, my sweet hubby knows of this obsessions and is willing to fuel the fire.  For Christmas he added to my CD collection. (I know, we are still behind in the technology club, don't judge!)   

 

After several hours of listening to my new tunes on repeat, I realized I found a song whose lyrics scream my hearts cry for this new year.  Here goes (try not to imagine me singing this in my kitchen , slightly off key, with a wooden spoon as my microphone.....you'll enjoy it more).

 

PRESS ON

Philippians 3 - 12:14

 

When I'm alone, when I'm afraid

When I have had all I can take

Losing my grip, I start to slip away

When I can hear the voice of doubt

Inside my head screaming loud

Strengthen my faith and help me say

Today, today

 

I will follow, I will press on

Even when the walk feels long

Your hands hold me together

You love is with me forever

Through the broken, through the victory

I will praise you through it all

And run hard to race it done

I, I'm gonna press on, press on

 

How many storms have I been through

How many have led me straight to You

You are using the pain, the hardest days

For my good, my good

So what do I fear

God you are with me

Guiding my steps today

Through the mountains, valleys, sun and rain

Lord lead the way, lead the way

 

I will follow, I will press on

Even when the walk feels long

Your hands hold me together

You love is with me forever

Through the broken, through the victory

I will praise you through it all

And run hard to race it done

I, I'm gonna press on, press on

 

One step in front of the other

No looking back, no looking back

One step in front of the other

I'm gonna press on, I'm gonna press on

 

MANDISA

 

 

Now, go listen to Mandisa belt it out in her amazing voice and be encouraged to "Press On" in 2014.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

      

My Heart's Desire this Christmas

Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Our family enjoyed an un-stressful, un-eventful Christmas today and for that I am thankful.  I truly mean that.  No presents had to be pre or post assembled.  No worries about not having the right size batteries.  Thanks to a generous gift certificate to Honey Baked Ham, I hardly had to do any cooking. 

Our day starts with the usual Christmas traditions I grew up with.  Once everyone is awake, and surprisingly teen age boys can wake up early at least once a year, we pass out the stockings.  Just enough of a Christmas treat to keep everyone occupied until we finish breakfast.  We gather on the couch and read the Christmas story together and pause to remember why we celebrate this day.

"For unto you is born this day in the city of David,

a Savior, who is Christ the Lord." 

Then the presents! We try to prolong the day as much a possible by only allowing one person to open a gift at a time and everyone watches and ooohs and ahhs over their new treasure.  Today was no different.  As the wrapping was ripped off and the surprised faces were caught on camera and posted to social media we laughed and enjoyed the splendor of the morning. 

Today, though, my heart didn't swell with the usual fulfilled feeling that Christmas brings.  Instead, I found my thoughts drifting to a face I have never seen and a place I have never been.  I  found myself wondering if the little girl God has chosen for us had presents to unwrap or a camera anxiously awaiting to capture her precious smile. Was their a hot meal to warm her little belly? Did anyone tell her the true meaning of Christmas?  Did anyone hear her hearts desire for a family to love her forever?  
Among the hardest parts of being a "waiting" adoptive mother is that you do not have a due date to look forward to! We continually are asked by friends and family if there any updates or new news and we repeatedly smile and say "We're waiting".  My heart aches every time I say those words. 

Praying for our little girl that this is her last Christmas to be with out her forever family.  Praying, believing God to bring her home in 2014. 

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

I Sure Could Use a Little Good News Today

Without much news to share, we haven't been diligent at updating our blog.  After 19 months of "being in the process" all we can say with certainty is that we are waiting.   Waiting on a foreign government to put the needs of orphaned boys and girls as a priority and work quickly to match them with forever families......families who are waiting with anxious and longing hearts to see their faces and hold them in their arms. 
We've been told that the matching process could take up to 2 years and we have officially only been in the Bulgarian system for 9 months.  Our wait could still be a while longer. 


God has been faithful to us in the waiting.  We have been able to build a house that allows her and our boys to have a room of there own. Her room is almost ready and is just missing the little girl who will call it home. 

 

 

While we continue to wait on God's timing, we've been able to see how the process is molding our family, both immediate and extended, into the family who will love her as our own.  I am confident that when the wait is over, it will have been worth every month, day, hour spent longing for a little girl whose face we have yet to see. 

 

To those using our Amazon and Just Love Coffee links - Thank you! To those who pray for our family - Thank You!    We are grateful for your support. 

 



I Go to Prepare a Place for You...............

"Let not your heart be troubled, Believe in God, believe also in me.  In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that  I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go to prepare a place for you, I will come again and take you to myself that where I am you may be also." - John 14:1-3 (NSV)

This verse has been on my mind a lot lately.  Until recently I didn't fully understand how much the scenario described in this passage was replicated in our adoption.  You see, Jesus is our adoptive Father if we have trusted in him. He has chosen us to be called His sons and daughters. He is busy preparing a forever-home for us in Heaven while he waits until an appointed time to bring us home. He has made a promise that He WILL come again.  I wonder how anxious He is to be able to sound the trumpets and call his children home. 
I don't want to diminish the fact that our heavenly home will be so much greater than anything we could possibly imagine here on earth.  I do, however, see similarities on our journey through adoption. Through God, we have chosen to bring a little girl into our family.  We are anxiously awaiting the day when we can bring our daughter home to her forever-family.  While we wait, we too, are preparing a home for her.  God has opened many doors that have allowed us to give her a home we wouldn't even allow ourselves to dream about.  We are making a promise that, YES, we are coming for her - we just don't know yet when that day will be.  We do know that it will be glorious!

Now for the specifics on the process.  We have changed our age range with our agency.  Originally we stated we would like a little girl between 3-5 yrs old. However, because the process is so much longer than imagined and our boys are getting older too, we opened our age range to 8 yrs old.  With that, we should be able to get a match much quicker. Children over the age of 6 or 7 are considered "older" children and can adopted more easily than those who are younger.   The Bulgarian government, along with most of Europe, shuts down for vacation in August.  Nothing official happens during that time. Then, of course, they need time to "catch-up" once they come back in September.  So basically, we are on a definite hold until the fall.    Frustrating, yes, but God is keeping us busy with the "preparing a place for you" phase of the process.

We are continually amazed at how God is working through this process.

What can you do, you ask? 

Pray - Waiting is difficult.  Pray for the little girl who will one day be introduced to this crazy family.

Remember to use our Amazon and Just Love Coffee links when you make purchases through those websites. We earn a percentage of each purchase toward our adoption expenses.  Every item purchased helps, no matter the cost.  Our percentage increases based upon the items purchased, not the dollar amount.   

O*B*E*D*I*E*N*C*E is the very best way..........

Does anyone else remember this old Sunday school song.....

 

"Obedience is the very best way to show that you believe. Doing exactly what the Lord commands, doing it happily. Action is the key. Do it immediately. Joy you will receive. Obedience is the very best way to show that you believe....and you spell it O-B-E-D-I-E-N-C-E....Obedience is the very best way to show that you believe."

First time obedience is a concept we've tried to instill in our boys since they were old enough to walk. While we haven't always been successful, we understand that repeating this to them over and over again will eventually pay off.

What we didn't expect was for this lesson to be one we would be living out in front of them.  When God asked us to adopt, we struggled over it.  The head honcho was on board first, and reluctantly I agreed. More so, because I felt it necessary to be obedient to my husband's leadership than God's desires.

From the time we said "yes", God has shown up and rewarded our willingness to be obedient to what he has asked.  He has met our needs, for the adoption, and elsewhere, in ways we could have never imagined.

Recently, we've been overwhelmed by His goodness to our family. First a new job that allows the head honcho not only better pay, but also much more time with the family.  A second car was necessary for the job transition.   As God often does, He provided exactly what we needed at a price we couldn't turn down. Then, "a check in the mail" from a class-action law suit that we didn't even know we were associate with until a few weeks ago.  These are just the BIG ways. There have been so many little details where we have seen Him working in also.  

I don't write this to brag about my family. We are not the story here. I write to give God the glory for His goodness to me. Only because of His perfect love for me and His shed blood on the cross am I able to know Him intimately. It is through that relationship that He spoke to my heart about adoption. The very first step in spiritual obedience is to accept his invitation for salvation.


 But he said, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and keep it!” Luke 11:28
If you are willing and obedient, You shall eat the good of the land. Isaiah 1:19

 

Is there something God is asking you to do?
Something difficult or tiring?
Something that will take you out of your comfort zone? 
Will you be OBEDIENT and say "YES"?

HOPE

Hope

noun A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. "Hope" is seen 130 times in the King James Version of the Bible Job 11:18 And thou shalt be secure, because there is hope; Ps 33:18 Behold, the eye of the LORD is upon them that fear him, upon them that hope in his mercy; Ps 33:22 Let thy mercy, O LORD, be upon us, according as we hope in thee. Ps 38:15 For in thee, O LORD, do I hope: thou wilt hear, O Lord my God. Ps 39:7 And now, Lord, what wait I for? my hope is in thee La 3:26 It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD Ac 2:26 Therefore did my heart rejoice, and my tongue was glad; moreover also my flesh shall rest in hope: Ro 8:25 But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it Why all the fascination with HOPE?  Yesterday, we recieved a letter in the mail that we had been awarded a grant from Show Hope, an organization that raises and distributes money to families who are adopting.  We had applied for this grant back in December of 2012 and quite honestly, had forgotten.  Atleast it wasn't on our immediate radar.  We are overwhelmed with joy and gratitude at the many ways God chooses to bless this adoption and remind us that when He calls us to something, He WILL provide a way for it to be accomplished.  As I have thought about it today, it brought me to wonder about HOPE.  What is HOPE?  What does the Bible say about HOPE? Clearly, God's word has much to say about HOPE.  HOPE misplaced can lead to failure.  HOPE correctly placed in God will lead to blessing. Our HOPE is that God will use our family to bring HOPE to one little girl.  Our HOPE is that God will use our faithfulness to His calling in our lives to cause others to be open what God has for them.  Our HOPE is to see every boy or girl without a forever family placed in loving home.  Our HOPE is to be able to be a blessing to other adoptive families and help them on their journey.  Our HOPE is that God would be glorified in all that we say and do.  Because of Christ, we HOPE.

When THANK YOU Doesn't Seem To Be Enough

After several months of chasing paperwork, we've had a chance to catch our breath and review what the last several months have required of us, emotionally, financially and spiritually. 

Emotionally, it's been a roller coaster of ups and downs.  Overwhelming excitement prevailed at times, when we didn't think we could wait another day to finally see the face of the daughter we would call our own.  At times, we just felt like robots, only going through the motions of what was asked of us.  Then there were times where we were fearful and stressed. Could we really do this?

While reviewing the financial side, I was overwhelmed with gratitude as I realized how much we've been blessed by YOU, our friends and family.  Since beginning this process in April of 2012, we've paid out $12, 940 in adoption related expenses.  If you looked at our personal bank account, you would immediately notice, that we didn't have anywhere near that amount of money "saved" for this adventure.  In fact, when we submitted to what we felt God was asking of us, we didn't have any savings set aside, ear-marked, specifically for this adoption. 

So, how did we manage to be able to pay nearly thirteen-thousand dollars, in the last 9 months.  Well, I was wondering that too.  We've done an adequate job of keeping records of receipts and expenses and this is what we noticed:

DONATIONS: To date, we have received almost $3000 in cash donations from friends and family. Time after time, we found a check in the mailbox or someone would hand us an envelope in passing. We've saved every note or letter and intend to make them part of her Lifebook.

 

James 2:14-17  "What good is it my brothers if someone says he has faith, but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food and one of you says to them, Go in peace, be warmed and filled, without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself without works, is dead."

    

FUNDRAISERS: Thanks to the help of friends and families, $1000 has been raised so far. This has been done through a garage sale, our ongoing Just Love Coffee and Amazon links and a Tupperware sale.

 

PERSONAL SAVINGS:  As I said before, we did not have a savings account set aside with hundreds or thousands of dollars. God has shown up time after time, just in time, to provide exactly we've needed. Some of this came from income tax returns, some from a company stock owed to us from a previous employer, some even came from an overpayment to a chiropractor from two years ago.  God continues to work in ways beyond our comprehension.

 

Phillipians 4:19-20 "And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. To our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen."

 



We continue to be shaped spiritually by the testing of our faith and trust in a God who is more than deserving of all our worship and praise. 

For now, all of our expenses are paid!  We are now saving for the next big fee - our international agency fee, which will be due when we accept a referral.  We have two grant applications waiting to be approved.  One of those applications is scheduled to be reviewed in March, the other in April.  We are trusting God that He will provide through those as He desires. 

Thank you for being a important part in changing the life of one little girl, half a world way.  Because of your love for our family, she will one day know the love of a Forever family! 

Thank you, just doesn't seem enough.

And the WAITING begins

 

 

 

For the first time since we started the adoption process in April of 2012, we have nothing to do but WAIT!  

Psalms 130:5a  I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I hope;

 

After 129 days, our dossier is finally complete, copied in triplicate and mailed.  Whew! 

So what do we do from here?  We WAIT!

Psalms 25:21  May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you.

 

Bulgaria has to translate our documents before we are officially logged in with their Ministry of Justice. We've been told this should take 3-4 weeks.  So we WAIT!

Isaiah 33:2  O Lord, be gracious to us; we wait for you. Be our arm every morning, our salvation in the time of trouble.

 

Once we have an official log-in, it is up to their in-country system to match us with a little girl who falls within the age and special needs parameters we outlined in our home study.  Knowing that our agency has to give us the "worst case scenario" on our wait time, we've been told this "could" take up to 18-24 months.  Until then, we  WAIT!

Habakkuk 2:3 For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.

 

Somewhere, on the other side of the world, in an orphanage in Bulgaria, a little girl also WAITS. She WAITS for the love of a mom and a dad. She WAITS for the day when she will no longer have to wonder if she will have another meal.  She WAITS for a time when someone who loves her will wipe away her tears when she cries and laugh with her when she's happy. She WAITS for the necessary medical attention she desperately needs. She WAITS for her forever family.  She WAITS to be introduced to a Heavenly Father who loves her infinitely more than we could imagine. She WAITS!

Isaiah 25:9  It will be said on that day, “Behold, this is our God; we have waited for him, that he might save us. This is the Lord; we have waited for him; let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation.”



Love BIG!

Step out in FAITH

Wait with HOPE

Love BIG

I Corinthians 13:13

 

 

This past weekend, I had the unexpected and last minute opportunity to join a group of fabulous ladies at the Created for Care conference in Atlanta, GA.  When I was asked if I could step in for a mom whose family had fallen ill, I really had no idea where I was going or what I was doing. I just simply thought a weekend away with the girls sounded like a great idea.  It turned out to be so much more.

 

This conference was designed for adoptive mom's and mom's waiting to travel to meet their children.  I had originally thought I would feel out of place, seeing as we haven't been matched yet with our daughter. I was so wrong.  This weekend was packed full of ladies just like me, waiting, uncertain of how the future will play out, seemingly unaware of the difficulty of the days ahead.  How refreshing to know that I am not alone.

 

I just wanted to highlight some of the things I learned while they are still fresh on my mind. 

• In order for me to gain, she has to lose.
• In order for me to love, she has to lose someone who was supposed to love her.
• With great blessing must come brokenness
• It's not about me - it's about her and her story.
• Getting it all right is not my goal. Building relationships in love is what I need to seek.
• Adoption is not always (or even usually) pretty or easy.  So thankful for the honesty on this.
• I am seen by the One who knows my name. (Gen. 16)
• God hears the cry of our children wherever they are.  (Gen. 21)

Over the days and weeks to come, these are some of the things I will be focusing on and reminding myself of as God prepares my heart to love BIG.

 

My new book wish list of things I would like to read:

•  How Full is Your Bucket by Tom Rath
• The God Who Sees  by Tammy Maltby
• Parenting is Your Highest Calling and 8 Other Myths That Trap Us in Worry and Guilt by Leslie Leyland Fields
 
 

 



Paperwork, Preparation and Praises

"How can I keep from singing your praise?

How can I ever say enough, how amazing is your love?

How can I keep from shouting your name?

I know I am loved by the King

and it makes my heart want to sing."

 

 



Whohooo, it only took 10 days for us to receive our Notice of approval from the NBC (Depart of Homeland Security). We now have official approval from the US government to adopt from Bulgaria.  Our next step is to gather the final notarizations, county stamps and state apostilles and then our DOSSIER IS COMPLETE.  For those of you who are not familiar with the adoption process, we've been working on this since September 2012, so this is a big deal!

Our agency has told us it will take approximately six weeks to translate all of these documents into a Slavic language spoken in Bulgaria.  Then, everything will be sent to Bulgaria and we'll be official, ready to start seeing some little faces!!!!

 

In the meanwhile, what are we doing to prepare, you might ask?  Well, I'm glad you did!  We belong to  a small group of adoptive and foster families who meet once a month to encourage and support each other. As a group, we are reading through Karen Purvis' book,  The Connected Child. I've only finished chapter 1 so far, so I can't tell you much about it yet, but I've been told she is a wonderful resource on attachment and bonding with your adopted child.   Our agency provided us with a wonderful link to a resource. It's a Bulgarian Phrases for Children cd.  Another family who adopted a child from Bulgaria created it when they weren't able to find any other material for themselves.  It's a great tool that will help us learn her language using common phrases we will need, such as "Are you thirsty?", "Are you hungry?", "I love you." etc.  We're excited about immersing our family into this new language. 

 

A very sudden and unexpected blessing fell into my lap this week.  A friend called and offered me the chance to "assume the identity" of another adoptive mom.  What?  Ok, I'll explain it more.  A group of adoptive moms has been planning a trip to Atlanta for a conference designed  just for them, and about 450 other women. One of the ladies is no longer able to attend due to illness, so I was asked to take her place.  Words cannot express how excited I am to be able to spend the next 2 1/2 days with a group of moms who have already walked the road I am currently walking.  Humbled is the only word that seems adequate to express how blessed I feel that God would drop this into my lap and work out all the details of time off work and finances to cover the cost.  I am looking forward to all that God has for me to learn and absorb as well as the friendships that will be made.

 

So, how I can keep from singing His praise? 

 

 

 

 



 

 



Final Fingerprints (We hope)

If these post seem overly simplistic, I apologize. I am trying to explain things in words and terms someone outside of the adoption world can understand.  Sometimes, we throw around words and assume every knows what they mean.  Well, until we began this process, I had never heard of many of them. Our desire is to help explain adoption from the assumption that you've never heard of them either. With that being said .........
Tomorrow, Kirk and I will be fingerprinted, for the third time in this adoption process. Aparently, each agency requires their very own set our identification markers and each one requires a different form or way of capturing them. 
Tomorrow's appointment is for The Department of Homeland Security. We have to get their "OK" to show we are all-clear and able to complete the adoption process. It will take approximately three weeks to receive the necessary documentation from them. Once we receive that coveted purple form, our dossier will be complete. 
A dossier is a huge stack of required paperwork each international adoption requires.  Included in that ream of paperwork are copies of our birth certificates, our marriage license, medical clearance statements, background checks from every place we've lived, three pages of family photos and our homestudy. Each document has to be notarized, county certified (which means the county office verifies the notary's signature), and appostilled (which is the state's stamp of approval that the county certification is valid).  Whew - that's a lot of stamps and signatures! 
That entire stack of documents, after making multiple sets of copies, will be mailed to our agency for the translation process.  We've been told that process should take around six weeks.  So, from today, we are likely nine weeks away from having all of our documents in the hands of the Bulgarian goverment.  At any point after that, we could begin receiving referrals - a child's file to review for consideration of adoption.
We're getting very excited!

From the Beginning..........

If you are going to understand a story, knowing the background is important.  For this reason, I will try to give you a thorough description of our journey to adoption.   Since before we married in 1997, we knew we wanted to have children.  We had always said, if we had two of one gender, we would try for a third and hope to get the other.  Well, our plans, were just plans and not what God desired, or so we thought.  After two pregnancies filled with complications, we decided attempting a third would be unwise. By 2001, we were content with the two little guys we had to raise and call our own.

Fast forward to 2009, and we'll pick up the story again.   After an in-depth Bible study, we felt God calling our family into international missions.  We felt as though we were ready to say "yes" to this new opportunity.  In preparation, we researched full-time mission opportunities within our church community as well as short term trips.  In January of 2010,  we had the incredible chance to spend ten days in Jamaica, in a remote village in the center of the island.  Even through this, we assumed God was leading us toward mission work. We watched as our boys gave all of themselves, everyday, in whatever way they could.  We were in awe of how God would choose to use our family for His glory. After returning home and researching more, we seem to continually hit dead ends.  Each time we followed a lead, it would fizzled out and we found ourselves frustrated. Why wasn't God putting us on a fast-track to some remote group of people who had never heard his name.  After all, we had already said we were willing to go. Arrogance on our part because these were our plans.

Toward the end of 2011, after reading a newspaper article on Haitian orphanages, we felt God tugging on our hearts again.  At first, only the husband was on board, sensing God wasn't asking us to go to a mission field, but instead, we were to bring that mission field home.  I will admit, I wasn't really buying into the idea.  First, God hadn't placed that burden on my heart, not yet anyway. Second, we were finally able to go out, without kids, and not have to hire a babysitter. Third, how would we pay on our current budget?  You get the idea, I had many questions and reasons why this wasn't God's plan.  In the end, God brought me to realize that He placed my husband as the head our house and I needed to trust him, even when I didn't understand.  So, I said "yes".  Since then, I have grown to embrace the journey of our adoption and fall in love with a little girl whose face I have yet to see. 

Where are we now?  We have chosen our agency, completed our home study and at least a ream of paperwork necessary for our dossier.  We are waiting to be fingerprinted for the third time, yes, the third time.  Each agency requires their own and no one seems to like to share.  Once we get our clearance on this set of fingerprints, we can send all our documents to be translated for Bulgaria and be officially logged-in with them.  At that point, we will be able to see the faces of precious little ones who are in need a forever family and find the one God has already chosen to be our daughter.