One Last Thought

Sometimes the words you wish to use to express yourself just escape your mind, or somehow those words don't seem appropriate to adequately convey the emotions you want to explain.  This is one reason why I have found it difficult to post an update on our family, our adoption story and the challenge to make the two become one. I'm not usually accused of having a lack of words, but in this instance, I'm guilty.

The purpose of this post is not to illicit sympathy or incite anger, but rather to tell the truth. My prayer is that in the truth you and I might find freedom.

Not every adoption has a storybook ending. Our is one of those unfortunate ones, or so it seems.

Have you ever loved something or someone that didn't reciprocate that love, that wasn't capable of accepting the love you offered?  That scenario is almost unfathomable. Who doesn't want to be loved? That is exactly where we found ourselves though.  Over two years of counseling, therapy, special schools, in home-resources and hospitalizations and still, the very idea of love was rejected. Not just rejected, but terrifying to even consider.

We could co-exist as her caretakers, the adults who fed, bathed, bought clothes and toys and provided a warm place to live for short periods of time. Once that situation started to feel comfortable, the cycle of chaos would spiral out of control, beginning with behavioral issues and escalating to violence and self harm resulting in another hospitalization. After the insurance company deemed her to have received a sufficient amount of rehabilitation time, she would be discharged back home for the cycle to begin again.  This pattern continued for more than a year, each time worse than the one prior. The violence would escalate, the self harm was more intense and the threats of harm more specific and intentional.

Countless hours were spent this summer researching, interviewing, making phone calls and sending emails to every agency and resource offered for children with severe attachment disorders. At each request for help, we found a closed door. Closed due to her age, her insurance company's willingness to pay, self pay affordability, location, IQ or just the inability to meet her needs.

We sought wise Biblical counsel, professional counsel and personal counsel...each reaching the same conclusion. Our home was not a safe place for her or for the rest of the family. The repeated cycle of chaos was escalating rapidly and fear of eminent danger was a very real concern.

When we began this process more than four years ago, I never could've imagined where we would stand today. Broken, deeply hurting and questioning why God brought her into our family only to have to say goodbye.   I cannot and will not pretend to understand God's plan for her or for us. I do not understand. However, I do know with all certainty that God is good, His plans are perfect and He is trustworthy.

I know that God is not finished with her story or mine.  In my heart we will always be a family of five, even if we no longer live under the same roof.  I will always be her mom and she will always be my daughter. More importantly, she will ALWAYS be HIS daughter.

While we may not have a storybook ending today, my prayer will continue to be for God to redeem her story, heal her wounds and for her story to bring Him glory.  As well as for the truth to bring about freedom in our lives...freedom from guilt, shame, anger and hurt.

"I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done"

Read more: Hillary Scott - Thy Will Lyrics | MetroLyrics